I've been trying to be more intentional with my word this year by focusing on what I'm being taught freedom from each month. In January, Freedom from Fear was what I needed to start learning. In February, I can look back and clearly see that uncertainty was the mountain I spent my days struggling to climb.
I think one of the hardest things about uncertainty is that it, like fear, can be paralyzing. Instead of questions about where I was going to find partnerships for the blog, I spent February wondering how I was going to fulfill my contracts to my partners, as a myriad of pregnancy/medical concerns began to hit. With bed rest coming at the "perfect time" for me to stare at the newly arrived pile of accessories and clothing, I had to send out emails explaining that I was unable to shoot product and post, and I was uncertain when I would be cleared to do so.
And while the uncertainty with work was difficult and frustrating since it made me feel like I was being irresponsible and letting people down, by far the hardest thing was how little I knew surrounding my pregnancy.
The doctors didn't know why I had contractions, or went into preterm labor. It's trial and error with medicines to slow and stop those contractions. We don't know if bed rest will help, or not, if the contractions will come back, when they'll come back, how long Evie will stay put... it's been so difficult for this Type-A scientist planner to do anything because there just isn't enough information to make any informed decisions.
I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't get information that would help me to see what course of action made the most sense. It was crippling, and frustrating, and scary.
And you know what, Reader? I haven't worked through all of this yet. But I have come to a place where I am learning to find peace in knowing that I haven't got a clue, and no one else may have one either, but I am firmly in the palm of the only One who is completely sure, certain, and has promised to sustain, stand by, and complete the work He started. I'm learning how to not only say that's enough for me, but to feel it, and rest in it.
I'm still in process with how to live by faith in uncertainty, but I AM in process, and that alone is encouraging.
