Faith has always been a struggle for me. I've talked through this with G several times, but I have this deep-seated, unfounded fear that, while God is good, He won't necessarily do good for me. I don't know where this thing in me comes from, but it sits there, deep in my heart, so far refusing to be budged.
One of the best examples is when we lost Claire. For my 30th birthday, we got a dog walker to watch Claire and went to Napa. Within hours, our little fur baby had run away. We packed up and went back to SF, spent the night searching and eventually fell into a painful, restless sleep. The next day we got a call mid-morning, and while she was a little banged up, our baby was home.
I struggle because what sticks out to me isn't that God brought our little home to us; it's that He allowed her to get lost in the first place. There's this level of uncertainty. This feeling of "Yes, God is good, but".
Uncertainty always puts me in mind of the woman from Mark 5:25-29. You probably know the story, but in a nutshell, this woman had been bleeding for 12 years. She'd spent all she had, but no doctor could make her well. In fact, she had only gotten worse. In 12 years, despite consistently seeking out help from men and asking for healing from God, she had nothing. And yet, she's one of the most certain women we see in scripture. Despite everything, she believes that if she can just touch Jesus, she will be healed. She didn't let 12 years of not seeing God's goodness in the way she expected to see it create uncertainty in her. Instead, she is certain that (1) God is good and (2) He will do good for her.
The only thing certain about this woman is her faith. There is no "but" in her belief.
I want to encourage you, Reader, that you're not alone where you're at. It isn't wrong to struggle with uncertainty. It's only wrong to stay there. Faith takes risk. It's borderline crazy. But it's founded in centuries of God coming through for His people again. and again. and again. We struggle because of what we see, but we must press through that and instead fix our minds on what God said. He said He loves us. That He has good for us, and that He never leaves or looses those who are His.
We don't need to stay in uncertainty. Let's acknowledge it, take His hand, and keep pressing forward into radical faith.